Journal Archives - Page 20 of 23

I don’t even know where to begin. It’s beeen three weeks now and I am still beyond sad. My boyfriend who I’ve been with for two years and I broke up and I miss him so much. It’s crazy how from one day to another things can change completely.

Three weeks ago I talked to him about our future and said that I just can’t give him a definite answer about wanting to have children and form a family. I just don’t know those things yet and I don’t want to have everything decided for me yet. Since I knew that those topics were really imporant to him and we almost once broke up because of them, I felt like it was important to voice my thoughts. I told him to think about it and let me know if he’s okay with me not knowing anything about our future yet.

So the next time I saw him I knew that we were going to break up. Honestly, I knew the moment I told him about how I’m feeling and it just hurt so much. He came over and started to cry and said that he can’t go on like this because he’ll always fear that one day I’ll wake up and definitely know that I don’t want to have a family. So we broke up.

I tried to talk to him after it had sunk in but he wouldn’t want to see me because there wasn’t anything left to say. And it just hurts so much. I feel like I lost the most imporant person in my life and I keep regretting to have said anything at all. I miss him so much and I’m crying as I type this.

I feel like I lost half of myself and I just want things to be okay again. I keep desperately hoping that one day he’ll show up and realise that he made a mistake, but deep down inside I know that that won’t happen.

I have never been this sad in my entire life.

Yesterday my high school crush who I hadn’t seen in two years visited me and slept over. Long story short: I hoped that I might still like him but I didn’t. I realized that he wasn’t right for me and that I deserve better. Him breaking my heart back then was one of the best things that happened to me because I got to meet someone as amazing as my ex boyfriend. I was so lucky to have had someone like him to experience my first relationship with.

When my high school crush left today, I was so shocked and sad. He tried to sleep with me and I’m glad I didn’t do the whole rebound thing. I feel like shit either way but at least now I know that there will always be someone better. Maybe years from now I’ll happily write a post about how glad I am that things didn’t work out with my ex. Or at least I really hope that I will.

Right now I just feel like I fucked up the most imporant thing in my life.

I appreciate everyone’s comments on my post about my Binge Eating Disorder, but I really do not want to seek any professional help. I feel like the only one who can get me out of this cycle is myself. Also I don’t think I’d feel comfortable talking about this to someone in real life..

But let’s change the subject.

Today was my last day in uni for this semester. I had to hold a presentation and it went pretty well, I think. I still have to write 3 papers and hand them in, though. I feel exhausted just imagining myself writing them..

Work has been stressfull. Apparently I keep messing up and my boss isn’t really happy about that, of course. In the past few days I’ve gotten at least 4 emails regarding me making a mistake. Normally I wouldn’t care but the thing is; I depend on that money. I have to keep this job to pay rent, food, etc.
Let’s hope I won’t get fired. I have to admit that I wanted to look for a different job anyway. I want to gain some experience in my field and do something new. I’ve wasted too much time in this hellhole already.

To talk about something more positive, I’m not broke for once. Wow, who would’ve thought that I’d ever be able so say this but I managed to save up a little something.

Luckily I sold a few usernames on this website named Tungle /hint hint and I got over 300€ just from that. People are crazy for spending such a huge amout of money on these things. But well, I’m definitely not complaining.

Other than that nothing much is happening in my life right now. My boyfriend and I went to see Wonder Woman the other day and it was great! I love strong female leads! I find it interesting how different DC Movies are from the ones Marvel usually does. I feel like DC focuses on your classic image of a superhero “I have to protect the city! I believe in true love! etc etc etc.” whereas Marvel is trying to be rather modern and funny? But then again, what do I know.

Category: Journal

My first Break-Up

When life gives you lemons