Does anyone know? I’m still trying to figure it out. In the past I would always jump from one guy to the next instead of actually sitting with the pain and processing the hurt I felt. Thanks to apps like Tinder and Bumble it was easy to find a “replacement” or at least someone to keep my mind occupied with. Of course, all the guys I dated were disappointments and frankly speaking, in retrospect I don’t think it was worth it. I wish I had taken the time to be by myself and, more importantly, to actually learn to love myself. With my recent breakup I realized that my past relationships truly traumatized me and damaged my feeling of self worth.
It’s been a while. I started a new job at the most successful bank in the world, moved into a cool new apartment, fulfilled my dream of adopting a kitten and started seeing someone new. Yet here I am, realising I am still not happy. I should be content with what I have and how lucky I am to be living this kind of life but all I can think about is how much I just want to curl up on my couch and cry. What is wrong with me?
Turns out the job is not making me feel fulfilled, turns out the guy I’m seeing is triggering my anxious attachment style and turns out I don’t even care about what I thought used to be my dream of moving to NYC or London. My mind is going in circles because of this guy, I keep questioning if getting a new job was the right decision and right now it feels like nothing is exciting anymore.
I wonder if that’s because I achieved everything I ever worked for and now I don’t have any goals left except for finding my soulmate and having someone to call my family, which isn’t really something I can control. So what else is there to do?
Part of me just wants to quit everything. But then what happens? I do need money to survive after all and it’s not like my previous job made me happy, quite the opposite actually; I was miserable and hated every second of it, especially because of my co-worker who made being part of the team living hell.
Is this the hamster wheel everyone keeps talking about?