My first Break-Up

I don’t even know where to begin. It’s beeen three weeks now and I am still beyond sad. My boyfriend who I’ve been with for two years and I broke up and I miss him so much. It’s crazy how from one day to another things can change completely.

Three weeks ago I talked to him about our future and said that I just can’t give him a definite answer about wanting to have children and form a family. I just don’t know those things yet and I don’t want to have everything decided for me yet. Since I knew that those topics were really imporant to him and we almost once broke up because of them, I felt like it was important to voice my thoughts. I told him to think about it and let me know if he’s okay with me not knowing anything about our future yet.

So the next time I saw him I knew that we were going to break up. Honestly, I knew the moment I told him about how I’m feeling and it just hurt so much. He came over and started to cry and said that he can’t go on like this because he’ll always fear that one day I’ll wake up and definitely know that I don’t want to have a family. So we broke up.

I tried to talk to him after it had sunk in but he wouldn’t want to see me because there wasn’t anything left to say. And it just hurts so much. I feel like I lost the most imporant person in my life and I keep regretting to have said anything at all. I miss him so much and I’m crying as I type this.

I feel like I lost half of myself and I just want things to be okay again. I keep desperately hoping that one day he’ll show up and realise that he made a mistake, but deep down inside I know that that won’t happen.

I have never been this sad in my entire life.

Yesterday my high school crush who I hadn’t seen in two years visited me and slept over. Long story short: I hoped that I might still like him but I didn’t. I realized that he wasn’t right for me and that I deserve better. Him breaking my heart back then was one of the best things that happened to me because I got to meet someone as amazing as my ex boyfriend. I was so lucky to have had someone like him to experience my first relationship with.

When my high school crush left today, I was so shocked and sad. He tried to sleep with me and I’m glad I didn’t do the whole rebound thing. I feel like shit either way but at least now I know that there will always be someone better. Maybe years from now I’ll happily write a post about how glad I am that things didn’t work out with my ex. Or at least I really hope that I will.

Right now I just feel like I fucked up the most imporant thing in my life.

thinking

i need to do some changes. i feel like i have to many online personas too many accounts too many blogs too many websites too many domains. i dont know why i have the sudden urge to get rid of everything. i won’t delete this blog nor stop updating, no worries (no one probably cares anyway but oh well) but i do need to think of what i want to change and how.

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