I only ever come here to complain, don’t I? But then again this blog is sort of like a diary to me and when I’m happy I do not feel the urge to write down my thoughts as much as I do whenever I’m going through another mental breakdown, existential crisis or heartbreak.
It’s been a while. I started a new job at the most successful bank in the world, moved into a cool new apartment, fulfilled my dream of adopting a kitten and started seeing someone new. Yet here I am, realising I am still not happy. I should be content with what I have and how lucky I am to be living this kind of life but all I can think about is how much I just want to curl up on my couch and cry. What is wrong with me?
Turns out the job is not making me feel fulfilled, turns out the guy I’m seeing is triggering my anxious attachment style and turns out I don’t even care about what I thought used to be my dream of moving to NYC or London. My mind is going in circles because of this guy, I keep questioning if getting a new job was the right decision and right now it feels like nothing is exciting anymore.
I wonder if that’s because I achieved everything I ever worked for and now I don’t have any goals left except for finding my soulmate and having someone to call my family, which isn’t really something I can control. So what else is there to do?
Part of me just wants to quit everything. But then what happens? I do need money to survive after all and it’s not like my previous job made me happy, quite the opposite actually; I was miserable and hated every second of it, especially because of my co-worker who made being part of the team living hell.
Is this the hamster wheel everyone keeps talking about?