Blog Posts

When life gives you lemons

I appreciate everyone’s comments on my post about my Binge Eating Disorder, but I really do not want to seek any professional help. I feel like the only one who can get me out of this cycle is myself. Also I don’t think I’d feel comfortable talking about this to someone in real life..

But let’s change the subject.

Today was my last day in uni for this semester. I had to hold a presentation and it went pretty well, I think. I still have to write 3 papers and hand them in, though. I feel exhausted just imagining myself writing them..

Work has been stressfull. Apparently I keep messing up and my boss isn’t really happy about that, of course. In the past few days I’ve gotten at least 4 emails regarding me making a mistake. Normally I wouldn’t care but the thing is; I depend on that money. I have to keep this job to pay rent, food, etc.
Let’s hope I won’t get fired. I have to admit that I wanted to look for a different job anyway. I want to gain some experience in my field and do something new. I’ve wasted too much time in this hellhole already.

To talk about something more positive, I’m not broke for once. Wow, who would’ve thought that I’d ever be able so say this but I managed to save up a little something.

Luckily I sold a few usernames on this website named Tungle /hint hint and I got over 300€ just from that. People are crazy for spending such a huge amout of money on these things. But well, I’m definitely not complaining.

Other than that nothing much is happening in my life right now. My boyfriend and I went to see Wonder Woman the other day and it was great! I love strong female leads! I find it interesting how different DC Movies are from the ones Marvel usually does. I feel like DC focuses on your classic image of a superhero “I have to protect the city! I believe in true love! etc etc etc.” whereas Marvel is trying to be rather modern and funny? But then again, what do I know.

I can’t talk about my Binge Eating Disorder

I wanted to tell my my boyfriend about my Binge Eating Disorder so bad, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s not that I don’t trust him.. for some reason, I’m just not “there” yet.

I always tell myself “I’m going to tell him once I’m skinny!!” and I’ve been telling myself that for over a year now.

I wonder how long it’ll take until im ready to talk to someone in real life about this. I’ve been struggeling with disordered eating ever since I was 13 years old. I started dieting because I noticed I’m not as thin as the other girls in my class and I learned that that was  a bad thing. I learned that boys don’t like thick girls. I learned that I am lacking, because I’m not skinny.

Literally every significant male person in my life criticized me because of my weight. Every guy I ever had a crush on had commented on my weight. Every. Single. One. “You know… you would be perfect, if you just lost a little weight” that’s what they always said. So of course I believed it.

I thought; They are right. The way I am now, isn’t good enough. I have to change the way I look. So I started diet, after diet, after diet. I felt ashamed of my body and I cried myself to sleep so many nights. In summer, I always wore long pants and long sleeve shirts to cover up. I was sweating like a motherfucker, but I endured it because I felt so disgusting. My thighs made me feel sick by just looking at them, and so did my arms. I starved myself and yet I just couldn’t lose weight. Everytime I tried a new diet, I ended up binging.

Binge eating sucks because you continue to eat even when you are full. You feel like you’re about to explode, yet you can’t stop. You don’t want to continue eating, your stomach says “ENOUGH!! I’M DONE!!!” but your brain says “I have to eat all of it“. Once you’re done, reality kicks in and you start feeling like shit.

I can’t tell you how many times I sat on my bathroom floor, crying, because I couldn’t bring myself to throw up after I binged on what a normal person would consume in a month. And then the cycle would continue. I’d start another starvation diet and binge again.

Back then when I was in high school, during my last year I fell for a guy (who, of course, also commented on my weight). Long story short – he broke my heart. After I graduated I moved out and decided that I want “revenge”. I’m going to lose so much weight he’s going to regret what he did to me. So I starved.

But this time, I stuck with it. I tried to eat around 800-1.000 kcal and exercised for around 2 hours a day, one cheat day a week. I’m 168 cm (5’5”) tall and went from ~85 kg (187 lbs) to ~68 kg (150 lbs) in approximately 3 months. I was exhausted.

Even though this was nowhere near my ideal goal weight, for the first time in my life I started to feel confident about the way I look. I couldn’t stop staring at my reflection whenever I passed a glass window. People complimented me on my weight loss, boys asked me out more frequently. I felt hungry, but I enjoyed every second of it. I wasn’t doing it for that dumb-ass boy anymore, I was doing it for me so that I can feel good about myself.

When I met my boyfriend I stopped my extreme “lifestyle”. I was happy and the time I used to spend at the gym I’d rather spend with him now. We cooked and ate out a lot and eventually I also gave up on starving myself. This only lasted for a few months, though. As soon as I noticed that I was gaining weight again, I started dieting again.

Back to square one and a big warm welcome to binge eating, my old friend. Fast forward to almost 2 years, I gained back most of the weight I lost. I am now at 75 kg (165 lbs).

I can’t remember a day without my head being filled with thoughts about the way my body looks. I still feel extremely uncomfortable and self-concious about my body. I look in the mirror and I only see the fat. I’ve never worn shorts outside the house, I haven’t been to the swimming pool in 6 years, I can’t eat alone in a public space, I feel guilty whenever I eat something that has a lot of calories. Sometimes the way I feel about my body keeps me from going to social events because I always feel like people are judging me by my weight. The last time I binged was 6 days ago. I still count calories. I’m trying to get better.

Site Footer