Last month I decided that I was tired of feeling this way and that I need to fix my eating disorder and learn to deal with life during this pandemic. The “break up” is still really getting me down and honestly, I’m still crying a lot. I even made a fucking spreadsheet to keep track of how many times I cry throughout 2021.
Yeah, I wasn’t kidding.
This YouTube comment I found under Epik High’s song The Benefits of Heartbreak describes it perfectly. Even though we’ve never been official and it wasn’t a real relationship, I still mourn what could’ve been and the good times we had together. We didn’t even hang out all the time, but I still miss him very much.
Another thing that really hit home was Olivia Rodrigo’s song drivers license. She’s only 17 but describes feeling not good enough and living through a heartbreak perfectly. I keep reading comments about people saying how you can tell the influence of Taylor Swift and Lorde and I couldn’t agree more. Truly a fantastic song.
Today I went to therapy for the first time in my life. It was weird immediately opening up to someone about what I’ve been struggling with for such a long time now but I felt really good about taking this step. I remember a year ago I couldn’t even imagine starting with therapy because I didn’t think it would benefit me at all. Crying myself to sleep for the past several weeks quickly changed my mind, though.
I started to take driving lessons – I’m not saying that I’m doing that to relate to Olivia’s song more but I’m also not saying that I’m not trying to relate more… Just kidding I just had to start driving eventually. Frankly speaking, I hate it, though. I am scared as fuck and I’m already dreading driving again tomorrow.
Oh well, at least I feel like I’m making some progress in life.
I also talked to my People Manager who’s responsible for me at my job about switching teams and starting a new position. When I started working at the company I’m at, they promised to let me do it after 6 months. It’s been a year now. Granted, a pandemic started so things got kind of out of control around here, but still – I need change.
2021 I’m setting new goals for my career and for myself.
I told this other guy Pat that I’m done doing casual hookups, which I’m very proud of. He didn’t take it that well, I guess. When I asked him if he wanted to stay platonic friends he bluntly said no. That’s okay, though. We didn’t get along that well anyway. I just thought it would be nice to have a guy friend to go places with, once pubs and restaurants open up again.