I can’t talk about my Binge Eating Disorder

I wanted to tell my my boyfriend about my Binge Eating Disorder so bad, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s not that I don’t trust him.. for some reason, I’m just not “there” yet.

I always tell myself “I’m going to tell him once I’m skinny!!” and I’ve been telling myself that for over a year now.

I wonder how long it’ll take until im ready to talk to someone in real life about this. I’ve been struggeling with disordered eating ever since I was 13 years old. I started dieting because I noticed I’m not as thin as the other girls in my class and I learned that that was a bad thing. I learned that boys don’t like thick girls. I learned that I am lacking, because I’m not skinny.

Literally every significant male person in my life criticized me because of my weight. Every guy I ever had a crush on had commented on my weight. Every. Single. One.“You know… you would be perfect, if you just lost a little weight” that’s what they always said. So of course I believed it.

I thought;They are right. The way I am now, isn’t good enough. I have to change the way I look. So I started diet, after diet, after diet.I felt ashamed of my body and I cried myself to sleep so many nights. In summer, I always wore long pants and long sleeve shirts to cover up. I was sweating like a motherfucker, but I endured it because I felt so disgusting. My thighs made me feel sick by just looking at them, and so did my arms. I starved myself and yet I just couldn’t lose weight. Everytime I tried a new diet, I ended up binging.

Binge eating sucks because you continue to eat even when you are full. You feel like you’re about to explode, yet you can’t stop. You don’t want to continue eating, your stomach says “ENOUGH!! I’M DONE!!!” but your brain says “I have to eat all of it“. Once you’re done, reality kicks in and you start feeling like shit.

I can’t tell you how many times I sat on my bathroom floor, crying, because I couldn’t bring myself to throw up after I binged on what a normal person would consume in a month. And then the cycle would continue. I’d start another starvation diet and binge again.

Back then when I was in high school, during my last year I fell for a guy (who, of course, also commented on my weight). Long story short – he broke my heart. After I graduated I moved out and decided that I want “revenge”. I’m going to lose so much weight he’s going to regret what he did to me. So I starved.

But this time, I stuck with it.I tried to eat around 800-1.000 kcal and exercised for around 2 hours a day, one cheat day a week. I’m 168 cm (5’5”) tall and went from ~85 kg (187 lbs) to ~68 kg (150 lbs) in approximately 3 months. I was exhausted.

Even though this was nowhere near my ideal goal weight, for the first time in my life I started to feel confident about the way I look. I couldn’t stop staring at my reflection whenever I passed a glass window. People complimented me on my weight loss, boys asked me out more frequently. I felt hungry, but I enjoyed every second of it. I wasn’t doing it for that dumb-ass boy anymore, I was doing it for me so that I can feel good about myself.

When I met my boyfriend I stopped my extreme “lifestyle”. I was happy and the time I used to spend at the gym I’d rather spend with him now. We cooked and ate out a lot and eventually I also gave up on starving myself. This only lasted for a few months, though. As soon as I noticed that I was gaining weight again, I started dieting again.

Back to square one and a big warm welcome to binge eating, my old friend.Fast forward to almost 2 years, I gained back most of the weight I lost. I am now at 75 kg (165 lbs).

I can’t remember a day without my head being filled with thoughts about the way my body looks. I still feel extremely uncomfortable and self-concious about my body. I look in the mirror and I only see the fat. I’ve never worn shorts outside the house, I haven’t been to the swimming pool in 6 years, I can’t eat alone in a public space, I feel guilty whenever I eat something that has a lot of calories. Sometimes the way I feel about my body keeps me from going to social events because I always feel like people are judging me by my weight. The last time I binged was 6 days ago.I still count calories. I’m trying to get better.

salad but the la is silent

5 comments On I can’t talk about my Binge Eating Disorder

  • *Hugs* I think you are absolutely amazing for being brave enough to share your personal struggles with the rest of us. I feel like it’s especially hard and continuous struggle for women to talk about their body image. I always feel like the first step towards mental health issues or addictions is realizing you have a problem. And that first step is always the hardest step! So *more hugs* on being a step closer to a more healthy lifestyle. The mental struggle is the hardest part – we just have to keep telling ourselves that we’re beautiful no matter what other people think about your body!

    I also feel like there’s no time limit on getting better. You shouldn’t have to feel like you have to tell your boyfriend right away, only as long as you feel comfortable enough to talk about it with other people. If you ever want someone to talk to, I am always a DM away <3

  • You’re not alone in this :’) I do not have eating disorder but I’ve always been struggling with my weight ever since I was 11-12 years old. Man, kids can be so cruel with their words at the age of 10. I’ve learnt that people judge so much from the appearance that sometimes they completely overlook one’s personality.

    I remember there was once when I was changing my clothes to meet up with my friend and I broke down in tears in the middle of it because I realise how fat I look in those long jeans and shirt.. that didn’t feel great at all. But shame on me, despite all the insecurities, I don’t have the determination to diet (i love food too much fml).

    I also remember reading a blog post on bulimia once around 13 years old and I wanted to try it because I want to lose weight FAST. But I didn’t have to courage to do it in the end. Now that I think back about it, I was so ignorant at that time.

    I hope you realise how important you are to your family members and your boyfriend. And know that there are someone out there who loves you despite not knowing your name, how tall you are, and what your voice sounds like. Also, remember that you don’t have to force yourself to talk to your boyfriend about it. If the time is right, you will eventually tell him without forcing yourself.

    SARANGHAE, I LOVE YOU, WO AI NI. If you need someone to talk to, just send me an email

  • Hey Joy ,
    First off thank you for sharing this this, took courage.. Not a lot of people even online would share this about themselves to anyone so your brave and awesome for just being you and sharing this. Well girl I’m a plus size gal myself and I’ll tell you we the same on some points about what your saying or going through. I had guys tell me the same thing even when I liked them. Crushed me a lot and sometimes worked hard to change myself just for them or the next guy.. But then I figure after a while I shouldn’t be doing it for a guy to like me. I need to do it for myself. I had VERY low self esteem growing up and did not like how I looked weight wise ( Still don’t but working on it…. ) and also race since I’m multi racial. ( Like a lot of stuff ) So it was hard for me to find myself back then and really know what I want out of life. I’m sorry your going through this must be tough. I don’t know if I beigned eaten before but I over eat so not sure if its the same thing or not. I know I eat a lot of healthy things too much more than the amount I need which then adds pounds to me. So idk if were the same on that.. ^^;;

    But to someone who struggles with weight as well trust me its sucks and can be really hard. But I think if you stay true to yourself and do it for YOU and NOT someone else or your boyfriend things will get better. Your boyfriend should love you for YOU and not the weight. But nothing wrong if your wanting to become healthy and feel good about ones self. Don’t super rush into it either. This takes time even though we want it gone now. ( The fat I mean..) I always thought like that and it does not work and just hurts us more. Baby steps is the key to it I think and what others told me. Find a good eating habit or diet thats not harmful to you and do it. Then for working out find a balance thats good for you and do it as well. Yes, it takes time maybe couple months or a year or two be it CAN be done and we CAN be at a healthy weight we like and love. Rushing is harmful and we should always remember to try and slow down. Do you think a caterpillar rushes to become a beautiful butterfly??? No it waits and waits till its ready then comes out and fly’s away to a better life than it once was. Time is key. Sucks a lot but its true good things take time. I KNOW you can do this Joy it may be a hard road for you but I KNOW you can get through this..

    I’m here for ya girl and even right now I’m working on myself losing weight and eating right as well. Really…REALLY hard right now since things in life comes up and stops me for a bit but I’m really “trying”. And trying is all someone can do sometimes and taking baby steps.. Have you spoke to any therapist or doctor about this or was this something you kept to yourself? Having a help team or support can REALLY help you through this time as well. But over all it’s up to YOU if you want extra help. I think anyone would be happy to help you out if thats something that you think you like or need. And having extra help isn’t so bad. I just don’t want nothing bad to happen to you is all. Even though we know each other a little I just care still and would hate if something bad happen to you.. =(

    But your not alone in this I always had issues with food and eating too much that made me mad or sad at self afterwords that I can’t lose weight faster or be at a weight I like and people seem to like me. I sorta don’t care right now what people think of me in general. True, I hate when people point out I’m big a bit but I’m working on it not for them for me. You can do this girl I know you can and over come this as well. But try some advice from help people they might help you even more how to get through this. I can only give so much support myself right now for you.. Since I’m no doctor and don’t really understand eating disorders too much. Sorry for that..

    But help is not a bad thing. May be REALLY hard taking the first step but it can be done and work out better for you. Sorry if my advice sucked or made no sense. I tried but I feel you on not liking your weight. I hope you’ll be alright again and you figure something out thats best for you.

    Sending lots of positive vibes your way~<3
    xxxxx

  • I would reach out to a therapist for help because honestly, they are trained to help in these matters especially eating disorders. I can tell you that you look beautiful but your mind doesn’t see that and while I don’t have an eating disorder, my eating is disordered and dictated by my mental illness. But I am glad that you’re opening up to the world on your blog and to your friends.

    You will not be judged because honestly, no one is perfect but you aren’t fat or anything despite your head telling you otherwise. Don’t listen to your mind when it comes to those thoughts and realize that you’re stronger than them and I would open up slowly to your boyfriend and sit down and talk with him honestly.

    I am sure he has noticed and if not, it’s best to be open so you can begin the recovery process. Look into local groups that deal with binge eating and eating disorders in general because you can get help and recover. The quote that comes to mind, is being fat isn’t the worst thing that people can be. You can quote JK Rowling on that because being fat or what your mind thinks as being fat isn’t that. You could be a terrible person but you aren’t. I feel for you because I have those hateful feelings towards myself and I struggle daily with food and self image but you can do it. Just reach out and I know you will be accepted by your friends and family, and boyfriend because they truly care about you. We all do. Don’t think you’re alone because you aren’t. Never alone in all these struggles you go through because someone else has felt them and we will be here for you as well in your time of need. If you need me: email me or contact me in various social media ways and I promise you that I will always listen. Just please go get help because I am frankly worried about you Hugs. It isn’t easy and people can be looked upon doing so, but don’t be discouraged and shamed for getting help. We all need help sometimes and there’s no shame in it.

    In fact, I go to therapy and have mental illness but you can recover and live a full life without it hurting you. I implore you to reach out to family, friends, and boyfriend in real life and get a therapist and get to the root of the problem. Hugs. You are beautiful even if you don’t realize it, already.

  • Hey Joy, I agree with Michelle, one of the previous commenters. I would consider talking with a therapist. They are trained to help you with this. :/ I’ve never personally had any issues with my weight so I may not have the same experience as you but I do know some people who have. It breaks my heart to see them go through this. Please seek medical help! You’re beautiful inside and out!!

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