I saw my ex situationship from this summer at the gym today and for the first time in weeks I can honestly say that I am over it. Is that what it’s like when you cope in a healthy way and don’t distract yourself with other people to forget them?

I only felt anxiety because I don’t know what he’d do when he actually sees me too. My worst nightmare would be him walking up to me to talk. I don’t know why this is such a big deal to me but it’s an issue with all my ex boyfriends and also my father. Whenever I used to see him from afar when I was younger, I would run away to hide. He didn’t ever hurt me physically in any way but I just hated the thought of having to be in a situation where I am being confronted with someone who made me feel like shit and traumatized me.

I’m glad though.

I wonder if the urge to date again will come back eventually but right now I am pretty content being on my own. I have zero interest in meeting anyone or finding love – although, honestly, it feels like I simply lost all hope. I feel like it’s just not in the cards for me and that I should focus on making my life as rich and fulfilled as I can being by myself.

My eating disorder has been getting worse but I talked to my therapist today and she mentioned a concept I picked up two years ago from a book called “Brain Over Binge” and kind of reminded me of it again. I also have the workbook at home so I decided to try to work through it. I gained so much weight and it is stressing me out, but I know it’ll be fine.