’tis the damn season

So far this lockdown has really been killing me. I can’t remember a time I felt this mentally unstable and emotional. I gained weight, as gyms have been closed for almost two months now and my eating disorder has been acting up. I can’t control my portions and I can’t get the motivation to move my ass and actually work out at home because I hate it, always have and always will.

Yesterday I opened up about my struggles to Henry. We are still trying to be friends despite basically being ex lovers. I don’t know if cutting him out of my life would be the smart thing to do in this case. Even though we have history, I feel like he is a great person and I don’t want to lose him. Besides my first boyfriend, he’s probably the only good guy I ever dated. But then again what do I know, in retrospect they all seem like assholes anyway.

The eating disorder, the breakup, not being able to leave the house during lockdown.. it’s too much to handle, even for me. I always considered myself a strong person, yet here I am drowning in self-pity. Which makes me hate myself even more.

The worst part about all of this is not liking myself, I think. I used to be confident and secure, but right now I’m just a weak self-loathing version of myself. I hate the holidays.

salad but the la is silent

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