Last year, after my breakup, I decided to continue therapy. Originally, I went because of my Binge Eating Disorder but as I kept repeating the same dating patterns over and over again I got sick of it and wanted to stop always making the same mistakes. Why did I always choose emotionally unavailable losers who can barely take care of themselves?
After my 2nd relationship with Henry I never processed what went down. He manipulated, lied to and cheated on me, yet I just went on with my day and a I believe it was 2 weeks after we were done, I started seeing someone new. And then I was seeing someone new again and again. Always avoiding to actually feel the hurt Henry caused me because I thought he didn’t “deserve” me crying over him. What I hadn’t realized is that I did, though. I deserved to cry and to feel sorry for myself. I deserved to grieve and to be sad about another failed relationship which I poured my heart into.
It really took my a while to actually recognize my mistakes. Always jumping into the next best thing I came across to avoid being alone with my thoughts and being hurt. This time I didn’t immediately date again and I sat with my feelings. Every. single. goddamn. feeling.
It really took me a few months to process Henry as well as the last guy who disappointed me but I am now healed. There are still memories that bring up resentment and sadness, but I am doing good.
I am quitting therapy and next Friday is my last session for now. I know I’m being a bit dramatic but I feel like not dating and not having sex with anyone for over 6 months has changed me as a person. I now know that – contrary to Taylor Swift’s song – it’s not me, I’m not the problem. I know my worth, I love myself unconditionally and I am taking care of my body.
I gained around 10kg in those 6 months because I stopped working out and started eating more. I had several Binge attacks but I am determined to get better. I already lost 3kg since I got back from the US and I’m sure I’ll get rid of the rest as well. I want to put myself out there again, once I feel comfortable in my own skin again. Right now that’s my main focus and I am proud to announce that I have been Binge free all of January.
I hope that one day, if I go through another rough breakup, I will look back on this long ass post and think to myself: I know this sucks now, but I’ll be okay again.
2 comments On long story short, i survived
I’m just restarting therapy, so I understand, but mine is always tied to my personality, but I’m glad you stopped making those same mistakes. It’s hard, often enough to admit that we keep making the same dreadful mistakes time and time again, one after another, but I’m proud of you.
HI Suzy =^.^= how’s it goIing?
Hope you’re doing well
Dropping by to see how you’re doing