Last year, after my breakup, I decided to continue therapy. Originally, I went because of my Binge Eating Disorder but as I kept repeating the same dating patterns over and over again I got sick of it and wanted to stop always making the same mistakes. Why did I always choose emotionally unavailable losers who can barely take care of themselves?
After my 2nd relationship with Henry I never processed what went down. He manipulated, lied to and cheated on me, yet I just went on with my day and a I believe it was 2 weeks after we were done, I started seeing someone new. And then I was seeing someone new again and again. Always avoiding to actually feel the hurt Henry caused me because I thought he didn’t “deserve” me crying over him. What I hadn’t realized is that I did, though. I deserved to cry and to feel sorry for myself. I deserved to grieve and to be sad about another failed relationship which I poured my heart into.
It really took my a while to actually recognize my mistakes. Always jumping into the next best thing I came across to avoid being alone with my thoughts and being hurt. This time I didn’t immediately date again and I sat with my feelings. Every. single. goddamn. feeling.
It really took me a few months to process Henry as well as the last guy who disappointed me but I am now healed. There are still memories that bring up resentment and sadness, but I am doing good.
I am quitting therapy and next Friday is my last session for now. I know I’m being a bit dramatic but I feel like not dating and not having sex with anyone for over 6 months has changed me as a person. I now know that – contrary to Taylor Swift’s song – it’s not me, I’m not the problem. I know my worth, I love myself unconditionally and I am taking care of my body.
I gained around 10kg in those 6 months because I stopped working out and started eating more. I had several Binge attacks but I am determined to get better. I already lost 3kg since I got back from the US and I’m sure I’ll get rid of the rest as well. I want to put myself out there again, once I feel comfortable in my own skin again. Right now that’s my main focus and I am proud to announce that I have been Binge free all of January.
I hope that one day, if I go through another rough breakup, I will look back on this long ass post and think to myself: I know this sucks now, but I’ll be okay again.