I’ve been dreading to write this entry because it’s a pretty recent heartbreak that happened to me. In my previous post I mentioned Henry (I changed the name for privacy reasons) – this is our story.
It all started out as a distraction to get over Konor. My best friend and I were drunk swiping on Tinder and she swiped him for me, it was an instant match. We ended up messaging him a lame pickup line to which he responded immediately. He asked me to hang out right now. I then mentioned that I’m with a friend and if he wants to set up a spontaneous double date. His roommate was free that night and the four of us met up at a bar near my apartment.
Henry was tall, like 2m tall and wearing a black turtle neck. He had curly brown hair, was wearing glasses and a beard. He was cute. We hit it off immediately and started joking around while my friend was talking to his roommate. Later on we ended up going to their flat and just talked some more.
After that night, Henry asked me to get dinner. I remember we were sitting across from each other and he flat out said to me “we are more like bros, right?”. What a weird fucking thing to say at the first real date. Well, I guess it wasn’t a date then. I was kind of taken aback and a little hurt, to be frank. I’ve never been friend-zoned so quickly by anyone before. But I went with it. We ended up getting some drinks at a bar and he asked me to hang out again the next day.
We went to the movies and after that ended up at my place just talking and playing UNO. I still wasn’t sure what to make from this, as he would randomly start holding my hand and get really close to me, even though the day before he literally told me that he didn’t want to date me.
At one point, I invited him over to watch a movie. Yeah, the old Netflix & Chill cliché. I wanted to sleep with him as I was tired of waiting for The One™. Before the whole thing with Konor happened, I always wanted to wait before sleeping with a new guy. I wanted it to be special and with someone who truly cares about me and wants to be with me. But after everything that has happened, I just felt hurt and wanted get it over with. I haven’t slept with anyone after my ex boyfriend and I broke up and I was so insecure about my skills in that department.
Henry came over and we watched that Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake movie called Friends with Benefits. The irony.
When the movie was over, he kissed me. I got on top of him and took my shirt off. To fast forward, we didn’t end up sleeping together and he just ended up sleeping over at my place. This was a first. He actually rejected me, even though he initiated the kissing. In the morning he had suddenly changed his mind and it was me who rejected him this time. What a weird guy.
The first time we actually slept together was pretty bad, let’s be honest here. I was anxious and so was he, we were terrible. Somehow we still ended up starting a casual thing. When we were together, we were like a couple. We went to the park at night and made out like teenagers in love and then we went back to my place to hook up.
I still wasn’t sure about him, though. I felt like he wasn’t someone I could see myself having a future with and I still wasn’t over Konor, yet. I decided that it was time to also date other people before it’s too late and I’ll start catching feelings.
I messaged him and he came over so that I could break it off. He handled it pretty well, it didn’t seem to bother him at all and he asked me to stay friends, as he thought I was pretty cool and enjoyed hanging out with me.
So we did.
And then we didn’t. Again.
The thing is, being friends with someone you were intimate with is hard. You are so used to touching them and being close to them that it’s hard to change certain patterns.
This is when it all went wrong. We started this very toxic on-again/off-again thing where we would try to be just friends but still end up sleeping with each other somehow. It’s hard because we couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves whenever we saw each other.
Eventually the inevitable happened and the idiot I am, I caught feelings. I told him and he told me that he didn’t feel the same way. Of course, I already knew that and knew that I had to stop seeing him after that. When I left his apartment that day, I couldn’t stop crying. I immediately regretted breaking off all forms of contact and after a few days I messaged him and said we can try to be just friends, as that’s also what he wanted.
Then he pissed me off on my birthday and I decided that he’s not worth going through all this trouble of remaining friends when I’m hurting that much that I cut off all forms of contact again.
As you can see, it’s a very hot and cold kind of relationship with a lot of drama. After a month of silence he messaged me and asked me to meet up so that he could apologise. When we talked, he told me that he missed me every day and couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened. We were back to friends.
Until he told me that he also likes me. Apparently, not enough, though. He told me that he feels like something is missing and hit me with the classic “I’m afraid of commitment”, of course. To be honest, I also felt like something was missing between us. With Henry, I didn’t get the same rush like I did with Konor. I didn’t get butterflies, but it felt so right and familiar when I was lying in his arms. It reminded me of the relationship I had with my ex boyfriend, especially since we got along so well, which is rare for me.
We slept together again. By now, we had gotten pretty good at it and I have to admit with him, it has probably been the best sex I have ever had. I knew that it was a stupid idea but I decided for once, to just let loose and follow along. I decided against doing the smart thing. But he didn’t.
When he told me that we need to stop sleeping with each other again and to go back to being just friends, it really broke my heart – for the second time now. We talked and I made clear that this is the last chance I’m giving him to just stay friends. I am not going through this confusing, toxic back and forth again and if he wants to make it work, he needs to keep his hands to himself and I’ll do the same. All of that happened this week.
Right now I am still heartbroken and trying to make sense of all of this. I know that he is not right for me and that we simply weren’t meant to be, but it still hurts. I feel like I am never the one and that there’s always someone better out there. This entire situation makes me wonder if I’ll ever meet the right person to be with. At this point, I am truly convinced that I am going to stay single forever. The thought of dying alone is really bringing me down and triggered my eating disorder.
On the bright side, I finally feel like I am ready to start therapy.