I only ever come here to complain, don’t I? But then again this blog is sort of like a diary to me and when I’m happy I do not feel the urge to write down my thoughts as much as I do whenever I’m going through another mental breakdown, existential crisis or heartbreak.
So here we are. I am currently sick with COVID and I haven’t left my house for a week. How I got COVID? Well, I’m glad you asked. You see I was being a good girlfriend to the guy I’m seeing even though technically, I am not his girlfriend as we haven’t had the talk yet. Why haven’t we talked about it yet? Great question. He’s suffering from hypochondria and the last couple of weeks have been hell for him. I don’t feel like he has the mental capacity to really think about a relationship right now and yes, I know what you are thinking and you are a 100% correct: “He’s just not that into you”. I know. I just haven’t found the mental strength yet to leave. I shouldn’t have let it get to this point but I think I fell in love with him. To answer the question; he infected me with COVID when I was taking care of him.
So I know the right thing to do would be to finally have the talk and to just get on with my life, but – and it truly pains me to admit this – I am not strong enough to do that, yet. I get that it’s a question of self love and self worth and when I’m being honest to myself, I struggle with that. I also struggle with being alone when all I ever wanted was to be in a happy committed relationship with someone who truly cares about me as much as I care about them. Yet here I am, always falling for the wrong ones, making decisions that lead me to the same outcome over and over again.
I know I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself, but I do. After my last relationship tore me apart, I feel like I really don’t deserve this. But I guess everyone who has gotten their heart broken a couple of times feels that way, right? Honestly, I just really hate this part of me. I hate that finding a partner is so important to me and I hate that I always end up doing so much for someone who wouldn’t do even 10% of what I’d do for them for me.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am just not the relationship type and guys just don’t see me as someone worth making an effort for. Wow, just typing out that thought made me feel pathetic.