I recently started dating someone new. You know when you put everything you want in a partner on a list and create those little boxes of criteria they need to fulfill? He checked every box, even the optional ones. And yet…

J did everything right. He planned out nice dates, came up with a bunch of options of what we can do, really put in time and effort and even got me gifts. He told me how much he likes me and for the first time in a long time I got to experience what it’s like to have someone who is truly interested in me and has serious intentions.

But whenever I agreed to plans with J, I started to dread it. He was coming on too strong and even after I communicated this to him, he didn’t take a step back. I was icked out by how much he liked me and it scared me. I was not able to shake that grossed out inner feeling for some reason and whenever he kissed me, I felt nothing. The only thing going through my mind was “how do I get out of here?”. I still feel awful and keep wondering why the chemistry wasn’t there. I really, really, really wanted to like him. J was tall, good-looking, muscular and smart. He was humble and treated me the way I wanted to be treated. Why wasn’t I attracted?

I ended it after 3 weeks because I woke up one day, and was already dreading the upcoming week because I would have to see him. How fucked up is that? I couldn’t even bring myself to sleep with the poor man even though he had put in so much effort.

When I sent him the breakup text, he didn’t take it well. J started arguing with me and I had to come up with some lie about me not being emotionally ready after my previous relationship to not hurt his feelings.

Now I am left with nothing – no roster, no one sliding into my DMs because I deactivated my Instagram and no one pining after me at work. I haven’t been this alone in a long time. I don’t like it.