To me, life is not worth it. I don’t mean it in a suicidal way, nor do I want to sound fake deep, but I simply do not enjoy the human experience. There really isn’t much that excites me and I am barely interested in anything.
Re-reading the intro paragraph made me realize how depressing I sound. Then again, my therapist did diagnose me with high functioning depression. I get everything done, do my chores, my laundry, clean my apartment, go to the gym, meet friends, try new experiences, put myself out there – yet here I am, still not finding joy in any of that. The most joy I feel is when I am in love or about to eat some chocolate.
I feel like an entitled out of touch prick when I complain about how little I care about my life. I acknowledge that I am incredibly privileged, I have a lot going for me and I am truly in no position to feel that way. I feel like I don’t deserve to call myself depressed. My mom would say that I am depressed because my life is too easy. Maybe she’s right.
Often I wonder if I should simply create new problems so that I have something to keep my mind busy with. Then again I tried that by starting an MBA. I quit after the first semester because I didn’t see the point in getting another degree.
I always assumed when I reached my goal weight, I’d finally be happy. I weight way less than that now, and I am still not happy. I guess I would be way more depressed if I was still overweight though. So I guess that was worth it.
I feel like I am missing a spark. Most people have a spark. They have something they are passionate about and they have goals in life. I achieved everything I ever wanted to achieve – except the relationship. That I had to give up. I truly don’t believe I am capable of picking a man that is healthy and beneficial to my life. In my 31 years on this godforsaken earth I have always managed to pick someone who doesn’t truly want to be with me or who ended up treating me horribly. Even the guy I am seeing right now – I am truly falling in love with him but I can tell that I am not what he is looking for.
So what am I doing with the rest of my life? I turned 31 on Monday and I feel as lonely as ever.
1 comments On anhedonia
I just wanna say that I’m in the same boat as you because this year and my life in general has been challenging and while I have a great husband and support system….life and in just in general my life has not treated me well. I’m probably gonna have spine surgery this year and I’m anxious about it as it’s my third surgery this year for another thing. IN the end, my own experience in life….I wouldn’t do this human thing again if I had the choice. I’d come back as a rock or worse yet, nothingness because that’s how I feel most of the time. THis is all to say that I understand you. I wish it got better for us. I’m just here and hate it.