To me, life is not worth it. I don’t mean it in a suicidal way, nor do I want to sound fake deep, but I simply do not enjoy the human experience. There really isn’t much that excites me and I am barely interested in anything.

Re-reading the intro paragraph made me realize how depressing I sound. Then again, my therapist did diagnose me with high functioning depression. I get everything done, do my chores, my laundry, clean my apartment, go to the gym, meet friends, try new experiences, put myself out there – yet here I am, still not finding joy in any of that. The most joy I feel is when I am in love or about to eat some chocolate.

I feel like an entitled out of touch prick when I complain about how little I care about my life. I acknowledge that I am incredibly privileged, I have a lot going for me and I am truly in no position to feel that way. I feel like I don’t deserve to call myself depressed. My mom would say that I am depressed because my life is too easy. Maybe she’s right.

Often I wonder if I should simply create new problems so that I have something to keep my mind busy with. Then again I tried that by starting an MBA. I quit after the first semester because I didn’t see the point in getting another degree.

I always assumed when I reached my goal weight, I’d finally be happy. I weight way less than that now, and I am still not happy. I guess I would be way more depressed if I was still overweight though. So I guess that was worth it.

I feel like I am missing a spark. Most people have a spark. They have something they are passionate about and they have goals in life. I achieved everything I ever wanted to achieve – except the relationship. That I had to give up. I truly don’t believe I am capable of picking a man that is healthy and beneficial to my life. In my 31 years on this godforsaken earth I have always managed to pick someone who doesn’t truly want to be with me or who ended up treating me horribly. Even the guy I am seeing right now – I am truly falling in love with him but I can tell that I am not what he is looking for.

So what am I doing with the rest of my life? I turned 31 on Monday and I feel as lonely as ever.