I feel like a pig

10:08 AM
Calories: 209 kcal (Oatmeal for breakfast is nice)
Weight: 1000000 kg (Apparently I have gained 6 kg the past 3 weeks)
Hours spent thinking about how much I hate not being naturally skinny: 1 Million

Honestly. What the fuck. In my desperate attempt to stop binge eating forever I stopped counting calories 3 weeks ago and ever since I have gained 6 kg. At this point I feel like I’m better off with just going back to counting, at least then I was at a somewhat healthy weight and not feeling like a whale. With summer approaching and me going on vacation in May I can’t deal with gaining even more since I feel like it would just hurt my mental well-being even more as I would compare myself to all the skinny women at the beach and loathe myself.

The hardest part of dieting is socialising. Everything either involves eating or drinking alcohol. I hate it.

And I hate that people actually encourage you to have an eating disorder.

Other than that I have to go to work later today. I don’t really feel like leaving the house.

I can’t talk about my Binge Eating Disorder

I wanted to tell my my boyfriend about my Binge Eating Disorder so bad, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s not that I don’t trust him.. for some reason, I’m just not “there” yet.

I always tell myself “I’m going to tell him once I’m skinny!!” and I’ve been telling myself that for over a year now.

I wonder how long it’ll take until im ready to talk to someone in real life about this. I’ve been struggeling with disordered eating ever since I was 13 years old. I started dieting because I noticed I’m not as thin as the other girls in my class and I learned that that was  a bad thing. I learned that boys don’t like thick girls. I learned that I am lacking, because I’m not skinny.

Literally every significant male person in my life criticized me because of my weight. Every guy I ever had a crush on had commented on my weight. Every. Single. One. “You know… you would be perfect, if you just lost a little weight” that’s what they always said. So of course I believed it.

I thought; They are right. The way I am now, isn’t good enough. I have to change the way I look. So I started diet, after diet, after diet. I felt ashamed of my body and I cried myself to sleep so many nights. In summer, I always wore long pants and long sleeve shirts to cover up. I was sweating like a motherfucker, but I endured it because I felt so disgusting. My thighs made me feel sick by just looking at them, and so did my arms. I starved myself and yet I just couldn’t lose weight. Everytime I tried a new diet, I ended up binging.

Binge eating sucks because you continue to eat even when you are full. You feel like you’re about to explode, yet you can’t stop. You don’t want to continue eating, your stomach says “ENOUGH!! I’M DONE!!!” but your brain says “I have to eat all of it“. Once you’re done, reality kicks in and you start feeling like shit.

I can’t tell you how many times I sat on my bathroom floor, crying, because I couldn’t bring myself to throw up after I binged on what a normal person would consume in a month. And then the cycle would continue. I’d start another starvation diet and binge again.

Back then when I was in high school, during my last year I fell for a guy (who, of course, also commented on my weight). Long story short – he broke my heart. After I graduated I moved out and decided that I want “revenge”. I’m going to lose so much weight he’s going to regret what he did to me. So I starved.

But this time, I stuck with it. I tried to eat around 800-1.000 kcal and exercised for around 2 hours a day, one cheat day a week. I’m 168 cm (5’5”) tall and went from ~85 kg (187 lbs) to ~68 kg (150 lbs) in approximately 3 months. I was exhausted.

Even though this was nowhere near my ideal goal weight, for the first time in my life I started to feel confident about the way I look. I couldn’t stop staring at my reflection whenever I passed a glass window. People complimented me on my weight loss, boys asked me out more frequently. I felt hungry, but I enjoyed every second of it. I wasn’t doing it for that dumb-ass boy anymore, I was doing it for me so that I can feel good about myself.

When I met my boyfriend I stopped my extreme “lifestyle”. I was happy and the time I used to spend at the gym I’d rather spend with him now. We cooked and ate out a lot and eventually I also gave up on starving myself. This only lasted for a few months, though. As soon as I noticed that I was gaining weight again, I started dieting again.

Back to square one and a big warm welcome to binge eating, my old friend. Fast forward to almost 2 years, I gained back most of the weight I lost. I am now at 75 kg (165 lbs).

I can’t remember a day without my head being filled with thoughts about the way my body looks. I still feel extremely uncomfortable and self-concious about my body. I look in the mirror and I only see the fat. I’ve never worn shorts outside the house, I haven’t been to the swimming pool in 6 years, I can’t eat alone in a public space, I feel guilty whenever I eat something that has a lot of calories. Sometimes the way I feel about my body keeps me from going to social events because I always feel like people are judging me by my weight. The last time I binged was 6 days ago. I still count calories. I’m trying to get better.

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