So I went on a first date for the first time in almost a year earlier this month. I matched with this Irish guy on Tinder and we went for a walk. He was definitely my type – tall, brown hair, a good sense of style and humor. Why won’t I continue seeing him then?

I told him I am not ready to date again and that I want to take more time to process my previous relationship. While this is partially true – I do want to take some more time being on my own – I am definitely over all of my exes. However I simply couldn’t bring myself to put myself back out there again.

I feel like I’m over getting disappointed, I’m over talking to a guy just to find out he’s “not ready for commitment” (yeah I know.. the “with you” is silent), I’m over letting my mood shift because someone is giving me mixed signals (aka not interested). I’m just so goddamn tired.

Then there’s also my weight. I struggled with my Binge Eating Disorder for years and therapy helped me a lot. I feel like I’m 80% recovered. The part I’m still struggling with is the fact that all of this made me gain weight and I simply do not feel comfortable with where I’m at right now.

I tried working out 4-5 times a week for the last 6 weeks yet I didn’t lose any weight. Yesterday I went on the scale and I literally broke down in tears because I felt like a failure. Today I didn’t go to the gym either and had a binge because I still feel so disappointed. It feels like I wasted the last weeks, even though that’s not true at all. I got stronger, I started to get back into my routine, my pants started to fit better, I like working out again… Yet I still feel defeated.

I’m sure I’ll get over it soon and just carry on though, because at the end of the day, what else should I do after work? Date? No, I’d rather take care of my mental health and my wellbeing before letting another person enter my life again.

I got ghosted the other day and that ruined my mood too, imagine what it would be like if I fell in love with someone once again? Nah.