It’s been a while. I haven’t really felt like posting at all and I’ve been using the time to cope with my break up and the loss of my first love. I watched a lot of videos of people talking about their experiences and it helped me a lot which is why I decided to make my own post on this and to talk about my experiences.

The first few weeks were tough. I basically cried everyday and thought about my ex 24/7. I blamed myself and desperately wanted things to be okay again. I messaged him several times and poured my heart out. I wanted to work things out, to talk – since our break up literally only took 10 minutes and both of us were crying the whole time. I wanted to get closure.

My ex on the other hand didn’t want to work things out. I accepted that and tried to move on immediately. Like I mentioned in my previous post, I tried to just hook up with my high school crush. Thankfully I didn’t feel attracted to him at all anymore and I just couldn’t bring myself to go for meaningless sex right after. It actually felt good not to rebound.

I also asked out a guy who works at my local grocery store. He looked a lot like my ex which is why I ended up approaching him. After all it’s easier to just replace the person you are missing the most than actually allowing yourself to feel the pain and loss. Long story short – he had a girlfriend. I still feel proud of myself for asking a guy out while being completely sober! I have never done that before!

I also signed up on Tinder and talked to a few guys but never met up with anyone. Instead I ended up meeting with a guy I got to know from another app called Jodel (basically the german equivalent to YikYak). It was a strictly platonic meeting – or at least I thought it was – and it helped me to realise that it’s not that hard to meet new people. We never hung out again after that because he was weird and coming on to me, though.

In general I started to go out more. I go partying and drinking with friends! This actually helped me to realise something really important: Friends always have been and always will be more important than any relationship. Boys come and go but friends are forever – note that I’m not talking about the TV show here although I am re-watching the whole thing once again atm and I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!

Back when I was in a relationship I stopped doing the things I loved and I stopped trying new stuff. I was so focused on my partner that I forgot to look after myself, I should’ve appreciated my friends more. Now I know, that a relationship cannot work if only one party involved is making an effort to make it work.

I bought a guitar and started to teach myself some basics. Frankly speaking, I suck. But hey, at least it’s keeping me occupied. Plus I love singing! My ex once gave me a necklace he made himself for my birthday. Of course now I don’t want to wear it anymore so I went to Tiffany & Co. and got myself a new one. I literally spend all the money I saved up for the vacation my ex and I wanted to go to to buy the “Love Heart Tag Key Pendant” necklace. I also invested in some new clothes and I feel like I’m now back to my old self. I’m making more of an effort to look good and feel good.

Remember when I made that post about wanting to tell my ex about my eating disorder? How I wanted him to be the first person I tell about this? I never did and the other day I ended up telling my best friend about it. It felt so good and like the right thing to do, if that makes sense. Sadly it turned out that she was suffering from the same ED. We are now trying to support each other to get through this.

Another important thing I want to mention is that always be okay with acting like an idiot when it comes to love. It’s better to regret the things you did than regretting the things you didn’t do while always asking yourself “what if…?”. I messaged my ex like 5 times in the last few months and expressed my feelings and thoughts and I do not regret anything. I’m glad I got everything off my chest and I truly believe that it helped me to get over him. Sure, his words hurt like a motherfucker and I would be lying if I said I didn’t still think about him everyday, but I’m not holding on to the relationship anymore. I’m moving on.

For the first time in my life I’m okay with being alone. Ever since I was 13 years old I wanted to have a boyfriend and experience love. Now I want to take the time to focus on myself and to do what I want without having to take another person into account.

I don’t even know where to begin. It’s beeen three weeks now and I am still beyond sad. My boyfriend who I’ve been with for two years and I broke up and I miss him so much. It’s crazy how from one day to another things can change completely.

Three weeks ago I talked to him about our future and said that I just can’t give him a definite answer about wanting to have children and form a family. I just don’t know those things yet and I don’t want to have everything decided for me yet. Since I knew that those topics were really imporant to him and we almost once broke up because of them, I felt like it was important to voice my thoughts. I told him to think about it and let me know if he’s okay with me not knowing anything about our future yet.

So the next time I saw him I knew that we were going to break up. Honestly, I knew the moment I told him about how I’m feeling and it just hurt so much. He came over and started to cry and said that he can’t go on like this because he’ll always fear that one day I’ll wake up and definitely know that I don’t want to have a family. So we broke up.

I tried to talk to him after it had sunk in but he wouldn’t want to see me because there wasn’t anything left to say. And it just hurts so much. I feel like I lost the most imporant person in my life and I keep regretting to have said anything at all. I miss him so much and I’m crying as I type this.

I feel like I lost half of myself and I just want things to be okay again. I keep desperately hoping that one day he’ll show up and realise that he made a mistake, but deep down inside I know that that won’t happen.

I have never been this sad in my entire life.

Yesterday my high school crush who I hadn’t seen in two years visited me and slept over. Long story short: I hoped that I might still like him but I didn’t. I realized that he wasn’t right for me and that I deserve better. Him breaking my heart back then was one of the best things that happened to me because I got to meet someone as amazing as my ex boyfriend. I was so lucky to have had someone like him to experience my first relationship with.

When my high school crush left today, I was so shocked and sad. He tried to sleep with me and I’m glad I didn’t do the whole rebound thing. I feel like shit either way but at least now I know that there will always be someone better. Maybe years from now I’ll happily write a post about how glad I am that things didn’t work out with my ex. Or at least I really hope that I will.

Right now I just feel like I fucked up the most imporant thing in my life.