Red Velvet

9:06 PM
Calories: 1.033 kcal (hell yes)
Hours spent working out: 1 h
Calories burned w working out: approx. 600 kcal (SLAYYY)
Money saved up to pay for the t*rrent incident: 345 € (excellent)

Yeah, I’m back on track. Last Saturday I looked at myself in the mirror and realized just how much weight I had put on. 6kg does make a huge difference and I don’t feel comfortable in my skin anymore. That’s why I have decided to change that. So far so good, it’s only Tuesday after all. I try to fill myself up with veggies and fruit, hopefully that won’t trigger any hardcore-binge-eating-cravings.

Working out keeps me sane. I hate it but I love it at the same time. The worst thing about going to the gym is starting over. I was once in such good shape and now I have to do all the hard work I once already did again. It’s frustrating and I am angry with myself for having given up going regularly. But I won’t stop this time.

I’m still looking for an internship and I am getting desperate. I have sent out 16 applications so far and I’ve had 2 interviews and 5 rejection letters. This is so stressful.

9:44 AM
Calories: 209 kcal
Bank Account: -54,32 €
Fees to pay for downloading a movie I didn’t even watch: 915€
Reasons to keep on living: 0
Hours spent freaking out: 0
Hours spent feeling sorry for myself: 6 hours

I think most people would’ve killed themselves by now if they experienced half the stuff I have been through. Honestly, I feel like lately there are more bad things happening in my life than good ones. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a nice life and I appreciate everything I have. But I can’t help but compare myself to other people in my surrounding. Most of my friends do not have any money problems, they have a functional and loving family and everything seems to be going smoothly. Yes, I know, everyone has their own struggles and not everything is what it seems but hell, I doubt that anyone is experiencing shit on the same level as I have been experiencing it.

Yesterday I got a warning letter of this law firm for downloading Justice League illegally and they want me to pay a fee of 915€. Yeah. I know. I didn’t even watch the damn movie..
My mom contacted a lawyer and we’ll see how things turn out but honestly, I have no luck at all so my guess is that I will have to pay the whole amount – which is impossible for me as my balance is negative ATM and on top of that I will be getting even less money starting next month because my job is cutting everyone’s hours.

The funny thing is that I didn’t even cry at all. My theory is that after everything I’ve been through in my life, this is just another bullet on my long list of suffering. I feel like I have accepted my fate; the universe just didn’t want my life to be easy and smooth.

Other than that I still don’t have an internship. I’m waiting to hear back from several companies and it’s driving me crazy since I have a deadline to meet. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I end up not getting an internship at all? Sounds like something that would definitely happen to me.