Does anyone know? I’m still trying to figure it out. In the past I would always jump from one guy to the next instead of actually sitting with the pain and processing the hurt I felt. Thanks to apps like Tinder and Bumble it was easy to find a “replacement” or at least someone to keep my mind occupied with. Of course, all the guys I dated were disappointments and frankly speaking, in retrospect I don’t think it was worth it. I wish I had taken the time to be by myself and, more importantly, to actually learn to love myself. With my recent breakup I realized that my past relationships truly traumatized me and damaged my feeling of self worth.
From being the other woman, to being emotionally cheated on and manipulated to simply not being good enough for true commitment – I experienced it all in the past five years. And these men left wounds that never healed.
I am sick and tired of repeating the same patterns and expecting different results, clearly being obsessed with the next best guy that crosses my way isn’t working out for me. I decided that this time, I am going to take the time to actually feel the loss, feel the hurt and process everything I went through. So far this experience has been horrible.
Memories keep haunting me and for the past four weeks I have been crying almost daily in my living room, trying to be okay with the fact that I fell for someone who didn’t feel the same about me. It is so hard to accept the fact that he is doing fine while I am bawling my eyes out. And if that wasn’t enough, I also start missing my other ex who cheated on me because – guess what? – I never processed that breakup, either.
The urge to numb this pain I’m feeling with meaningless connections is pretty strong as I don’t feel like I am getting better. I am depressed all day, don’t really want to do anything, barely talk to people and just watch TV for hours instead.
Yesterday I got some pretty bad news which involve me needing to pay an extreme high amount of money and the possibility of losing my job. I feel like my life is falling apart and I miss my old self. I keep wondering what I have done to deserve experiencing this and I just want things to be good again. I thought 2021 was the worst year of my life, but this one is coming pretty close already and we still got 4 months left.